Books & Ebooks
- Shot of Tequila
- The List
- Desert Places by Blake Crouch
- Locked Doors by Blake Crouch
- Planter's Punch
- Truck Stop
- Serial Uncut
- Banana Hammock
- Jack Daniels Stories
- Horror Stories
- Crime Stories
- Dumb Jokes and Vulgar Poems
SHOT OF TEQUILA by JA Konrath
A perfect frame
All caught on video, with no chance of redemption...
A red hot recipe for roaring revenge
Now one man must single-handedly face the entire Chicago Outfit, a group of hardened Mafia enforcers, a psychotic bookie, the most dangerous hitman on earth, and Detective Jacqueline Daniels.
His name is Tequila. And he likes those odds.
Shot of Tequila takes place in the early 1990s, and is both an homage to and a re-envisioning of classic action novels by authors like Mickey Spillane, Ross Macdonald, Donald Westlake, and Elmore Leonard, but with a more modern twist. The breakneck action is intercut with scenes featuring Konrath's series hero Jack Daniels, here as a supporting character chasing the main protagonist. Edge-of-your-seat suspense, non-stop action, and dark humor punctuate this heist novel/fugitive-on-the-run thriller. Fans of Konrath's police procedurals will enjoy the slight departure from his normal writing style, while still finding familiarity with the setting and characters.
Shot of Tequila is approximately 75,000 words.
ORIGIN by JA Konrath
1906 - Something is discovered by workers digging the Panama Canal. Something dormant. Sinister. Very much alive.
2006 - Project Samhain. A secret underground government installation begun 100 years ago in New Mexico. The best minds in the world have been recruited to study the most amazing discovery in the history of mankind. But the century of peaceful research is about to end.
BECAUSE IT JUST WOKE UP.
ORIGIN by JA Konrath
Hell is about to break loose... for real.
In reality, Satan is not a handsome gentleman as portrayed by a Hollywood leading man. Viewing him through the Plexiglas, he's a frightening beast, massively muscled, with hoofs the size of washtubs and the serrated teeth of a carnivore. The demon can be pleasant, even chatty, and delights in showing off his power of resurrecting the dead sheep he dines upon. To some of the staff studying him at the secret government compound, he's even likable.
That is, until he breaks out...
Origin is a mainstream thriller combining the techno-science of Jurassic Park with the theological horror of The Exorcist.
Billions around the world fear the concept of the devil.
Now they'll have a chance to fear him in person.
THE LIST by JA Konrath
A billionaire Senator with money to burn...
A thirty year old science experiment, about to be revealed...
Seven people, marked for death, not for what they know, but for what they are...
THE LIST by JA Konrath
History is about to repeat itself
The List is a bit of a departure for Konrath. It's a technothriller about a group of ten people who each have tattoos of numbers on the bottoms their feet, and don't know why. One of them, a Chicago Homicide cop named Tom Mankowski, has had one of these strange tattoos since birth. When he investigates a violent murder and discovers the victim also has a tattooed number, it sets the ball rolling for an adventure of historic proportions. To say more would give away too much. Like the Jack Daniels series, it combines laugh out loud humor with serious suspense and thrills.
The List is approximately 82,000 words long.
DISTURB by JA Konrath
A medical investigator, tormented by secret guilt.
A beautiful doctor, with an illicit desire.
A millionaire businessman, indulging a passion for murder.
And a human guinea pig who hasn't slept in seven weeks.
DISTURB by JA Konrath
You'll never sleep well again.
It's the pharmaceutical breakthrough of the millennium. DruTech Industries proudly presents N-SOM, a pill that completely replaces eight hours of sleep. Feel totally refreshed, both physically and mentally, in just fifteen minutes a night.
The profit potential is boundless. Mankind's productivity will go through the roof. One third of a person's life could be recovered, for only ten dollars a dose.
The FDA sends CDER agent Dr. Bill May to green light N-SOM for American use. The pressure, both political and monetary, is tremendous. But Bill soon harbors fears that N-SOM may not be as safe as early reports indicate...
After meeting brilliant inventors Dr. Nikos Stefanopolous and his beautiful daughter Theena, Bill stumbles into an insidious cover-up that hinges on Emmanuel Tibbets, a test subject who hasn't had a wink of sleep in over fifty days.
Bill's investigation soon unearths a snarled tangle of extortion, conspiracy, taboo sex, hidden secrets, and murderous betrayal.
When N-SOM's deadly side-effects are revealed, along with the shocking truth of how the drug is produced, Bill and Theena find themselves on the run from hired assassins, three letter government agencies, and a breed of psychopath unlike any ever known.
Billions of dollars, and billions of lives, are at stake. Can Bill and Theena survive long enough to expose the truth? Or will the world succumb to an evil that may bring about the extinction of mankind?
Disturb is approximately 55,000 words long. The print version features the complete short story collection Crime Stories.
TRAPPED by Jack Kilborn
It was supposed to be a harmless camping trip. Six wayward teenagers who'd run into trouble with the law, and their court-appointed guardians, Sara and Martin Randhurst. Three nights on a small, deserted island off of Michigan's upper peninsula. A time to bond, to learn, to heal. Then Martin told a campfire story about the island's history. Of the old civil war prison hidden in there, and the starving confederate soldiers who resorted to cannibalism to stay alive. Everyone thought it was funny. They even laughed when Martin pretended to be dragged off into the woods. But Martin didn't come back. And neither did Sara when she went in search of him. Then the laughter stopped.
The group soon began to realize that this deserted island wasn't so deserted after all. And perhaps Martin's ridiculous story had more truth to it than anyone thought. What's the most horrifying thing you can imagine? This is a hundred times worse...
TRAPPED by Jack Kilborn
It starts where other horror ends
A Word of Warning: This is the long-awaited follow-up to Afraid, one of the most horrifying books ever written. Originally scheduled to be released in paperback in 2010, the publisher read the first version of the manuscript and refused to release it. The author made extensive changes, rewriting much of the story. The publisher still refused. This is a disturbing, terrifying book. You may think you're brave enough to handle it. But you're probably not...
Trapped is approximately 82,000 words long.
ENDURANCE by Jack Kilborn
WELCOME TO THE RUSHMORE INN
The bed and breakfast was hidden in the hills of West Virginia. Wary guests wondered how it could stay in business at such a creepy, remote location. Especially with its bizarre, presidential decor and eccentric proprietor.
ONCE YOU CHECK IN...
When the event hotel for the national Iron Woman triathlon accidentally overbooked, competitor Maria was forced to stay at the Rushmore. But after checking into her room, she quickly realized she wasn't alone. First her suitcase wasn't where she put it. Then her cell phone was moved. Finally, she heard an odd creaking under the bed. Confusion quickly turned to fear, and fear to hysteria when she discovered the front door was barred and the windows were bricked over. There was no way out. ...
YOU'LL BE DYING TO LEAVE
One year later, four new female athletes have become guests of the Inn. Will they escape the horrors within its walls? Or will they join the many others who have died there, in ways too terrible to imagine? ENDURANCE by Jack Kilborn Are you brave enough to finish?
A Word of Warning: Originally scheduled to be released in paperback in 2010, the publisher read the final version of the manuscript and refused to release it. This is a disturbing, terrifying book. You may think you're brave enough to handle it. But you're probably not...
Endurance is approximately 83,000 words long.
DRACULAS by Blake Crouch, Jack Kilborn, Jeff Strand, and F. Paul Wilson
Mortimer Moorecook, retired Wall Street raider, avid collector, is losing his fight against cancer. With weeks to live, a package arrives at the door of his hillside mansion-an artifact he paid millions for...a hominoid skull with elongated teeth, discovered in a farmer's field in the Romanian countryside. With Shanna, his beautiful research assistant looking on, he sinks the skull's razor sharp fangs into his neck, and immediately goes into convulsions.
OPENS THE DOOR TO AN ANCIENT EVIL...
A rural hospital. A slow night in the ER. Until Moorecook arrives strapped to a gurney, where he promptly codes and dies.
WHERE DEATH IS JUST THE BEGINNING.
Four well-known horror authors pool their penchants for scares and thrills, and tackle one of the greatest of all legends, with each writer creating a unique character and following them through a vampire outbreak in a secluded hospital. The goal was simple: write the most intense novel they possibly could. Which they did.
A Word of Warning: Within these pages, you will find no black capes, no satin-lined coffins, no brooding heartthrobs who want to talk about your feelings. Forget sunlight and stakes. Throw out your garlic and your crosses. This is the Anti-Twilight.
Draculas is approzimately 80,000 words long. The ebook also features an additional 80,000 words of bonus extras.
For more about Draculas, visit www.DraculastheBook.com.
DESERT PLACES by Blake Crouch
Book #1 in the Luther Kite trilogy, to be concluded in 2011 with Stirred - A Jack Daniels Thriller, written by J.A. Konrath and Blake Crouch.
One tranquil May evening in North Carolina, semi-famous horror novelist Andrew Thomas strolls down his long gravel drive to check his mailbox. Inside is a note:
"Greetings. There is a body buried on your property, covered in your blood. The unfortunate young lady's name is Rita Jones. In her jeans pocket, you'll find a slip of paper with a phone number on it. You have one day to call that number. If I have not heard from you by 8 P.M. tomorrow, the police department will receive an anonymous phone call. I'll tell them where Rita Jones is buried, how you killed her, and where the murder weapon can be found. (I do believe a paring knife is missing from your kitchen.)"
Andrew Thomas thinks this message is just a mischievous prank. He's wrong-very, very wrong. And soon he's going to be very, very scared.
Desert Places is an adrenaline-fuled nightmare, guaranteed to make you lose sleep.
LOCKED DOORS by Blake Crouch
Book #2 in the Luther Kite trilogy, to be concluded in 2011 with Stirred - A Jack Daniels Thriller, written by J.A. Konrath and Blake Crouch.
Seven years ago, suspense novelist Andrew Thomas's life was shattered when he was framed for a series of murders. The killer's victims were unearthed on Andrew's lakefront property, and since he was wanted by the FBI, Andrew had no choice but to flee and to create a new identity.
Andrew does just that in a cabin tucked away in the remote wilderness near Haines Junction, Yukon. His only link to society is by e-mail, through which he learns that all the people he ever loved are being stalked and murdered.
Culminating in the spooky and secluded Outer Banks of North Carolina, the paths of Andrew Thomas, a psychotic named Luther Kite, and a young female detective collide.
Locked Doors is a novel of blistering suspense that will scare you to death.
PLANTER'S PUNCH by JA Konrath and Tom Schreck
Tom Schreck writes a funny, action packed mystery series (sound familiar?) about a boxing social worker named Duffy Dombrowski. Schreck and I pooled our efforts and collaborated on a story where Jack meets Duffy. And yes, they fight.
This 56,000 word compilation features ten stories, an interview, and an excerpt from Konrath's seventh Jack Daniels novel, Shaken.
On the Rocks - JA Konrath
Duffy by Decision - Tom Schreck
Body Shots - JA Konrath
Duffy, Elvis and One Very Special Hound Dog - Tom Schreck
With a Twist - JA Konrath
The Duffy Vinci Code - Tom Schreck
Overproof - JA Konrath
Hounding Duffy - Tom Schreck
Shaken (excerpt) - JA Konrath
The Right Choice – Tom Schreck
Planter’s Punch – JA Konrath & Tom Schreck
Also includes a bonus extra where Tom Schreck Interviews JA Konrath.
SUCKERS by JA Konrath and Jeff Strand
Jeff Strand's perpetually unlucky character Andrew Mayhem, star of the novels Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, and Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), sets off on a simple mission at the request of his wife: Get some spaghetti sauce.
On his way to the store he meets Konrath's obnoxious private eye Harry McGlade, co-star of the Lt. Jack Daniels thrillers Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Fuzzy Navel, and Cherry Bomb.
Horrific violence, bad jokes, and lots of name calling soon ensues. Some sex, too, but not between the main characters.
Originally, published as a very expensive limited-edition hardcover, Suckers is now available as a super cheap ebook.
But the fun doesn't stop there.
Also included in this ebook are six other Mayhem and McGlade stories, many of them rare and long out of print.
Whelp Wanted - JA Konrath
Poor Career Choice - Jeff Strand
Taken to the Cleaners - JA Konrath
A Bit of Halloween Mayhem - Jeff Strand
The Necro File - JA Konrath
The Lost (For a Good Reason) Adventure of Andrew Mayhem - Jeff Strand
If that's not enough to get you to part with your pocket change, this ebook also includes two brand new introductions written by the authors, and an exclusive Strand/Konrath interview.
That's over 53,000 words worth of demented entertainment.
Warning: Some of the jokes (mostly Konrath's) push the boundaries of good taste. Don't buy this if you're easily offended.
TRUCK STOP by J.A. Konrath and Jack Kilborn
Before the events of J.A. Konrath's critically acclaimed thrillers Fuzzy Naveland Cherry Bomb...
Before the events of Jack Kilborn's and Blake Crouch's #1 Amazon Kindle bestseller Serial...
Three hunters of humans meet for the ultimate showdown at the Truck Stop.
Taylor is a recreational killer, with dozens of gristly murders under his belt. He pulls into a busy Wisconsin truck stop at midnight, trolling for the next to die.
Chicago Homicide cop Jacqueline "Jack" Daniels is a long way from home, driving to meet her boyfriend for a well-earned vacation. She pulls into the truck stop for a quick cup of coffee and stumbles into her worst nightmare.
Jack's no stranger to dealing with psychos, but she's got her hands full trying to stop Taylor. Especially since he's getting help from someone just as deadly; a portly serial maniac named Donaldson...
Truck Stop is a 15,000 word thriller novella that ties together Konrath's and Kilborn's works, with terrifying results.
A prequel to Serial, which has been downloaded more than 300,000 times, Truck Stop is an eighteen-wheeled ride straight into hell. Not for the faint of heart. Let the reader beware.
This ebook also includes an exclusive interview: JA Konrath talks with Jack Kilborn.
Truck Stop is part of the novella Serial Uncut. The print version of Truck Stop is available in the collection Jack Daniels Stories.
SERIAL by Blake Crouch and Jack Kilborn
# 1: Don’t go hitchhiking, because the driver who picks you up could be certifiably crazy.
# 2: Don’t pick up hitchhikers, because the traveler you pick up could be a certifiably crazy.
So what if, on some dark, isolated road, Crazy #1 offered a ride to Crazy #2?
When two of the most twisted minds in the world of horror fiction face off, the result is Serial, a terrifying tale of hitchhiking gone terribly wrong. Like a deeply twisted version of an “After School Special,” Serial is the single most persuasive public service announcement on the hazards of free car rides.
Beyond a thrilling piece of horrifying suspense, Serial is also a groundbreaking experiment in literary collaboration. Kilborn wrote the first part. Crouch wrote the second. And they wrote the third together over email in 100-word exchanges, not aware of each other’s opening section. All bets were off, and may the best psycho win.
Serial contains the 9000 word novella, Serial, a Q&A with Kilborn and Crouch, author bibliographies, and excerpts from their most recent and forthcoming works: Kilborn’s Afraid and Crouch’s Abandon.
And finally, a warning about Serial from the authors…
Serial is a horror novella written by masters of the genre Blake Crouch and Jack Kilborn.
But just because it is 100% free doesn’t mean you should automatically download it.
This is disturbing stuff. Perhaps too disturbing.
If you can handle horrific thrills, proceed at your own risk.
But if you suffer from anxiety attacks, nervous disorders, insomnia, nightmares or night terrors, heart palpitations, stomach problems, or are of an overly sensitive nature, you should read something else instead.
The authors are in no way responsible for any lost sleep, missed work, failed relationships, or difficulty in coping with life after you have read Serial. They will not pay for any therapy you may require as a result of reading Serial. They will not cradle you in their arms, rock you back and forth, and speak in soothing tones while you unsuccessfully try to forget Serial.
You have been warned.
SERIAL UNCUT by Blake Crouch, Jack Kilborn and JA Konrath
When Blake Crouch and Jack Kilborn released the ebook Serial in 2009, it was downloaded more than 300,000 times.
Kilborn went on to use his Serial antagonist in the novella Truck Stop, and Crouch used his in the novella Bad Girl.
Serial Uncut combines Serial, Truck Stop, and Bad Girl into a seemless thrill ride straight into hell. It also incorporates brand new material, and scenes cut from the original version of Serial that were considered too intense.
This 35,000 word novella intertwines the work of Crouch, Konrath, and Kilborn, featuring characters from the Jack Daniels series, Kilborn's Afraid and Trapped, and Crouch's Desert Places and Locked Doors. The events in Serial Uncut serve as a prequel to Shaken, the seventh Jack Daniels novel.
A Word of Warning: Serial Uncut is about serial killers interacting with serial killers. It isn't for the faint of heart.
FLOATERS by JA Konrath and Henry Perez
Henry Perez's series character Alex Chapa, Chicago reporter and star of the thriller Killing Red, goes off in search of a news story, and ultimately, a missing person.
Konrath's Jack Daniels, Chicago cop, has to solve a puzzling murder while simultaneously dealing with an increasingly underfoot Chapa.
Action, suspense, mystery, and a few laughs ensue.
Also included in this collection are a Q&A with Konrath and Perez about their collaboration, Henry's hitman tale Familiar Places, and Joe's hitman tale Last Request.
BANANA HAMMOCK - A Harry McGlade Adventure by JA Konrath
Remember Choose-Your-Own-Adventure novels? They're back...
Private Detective Harry McGlade is hired by an Amish woman who suspects her husband is cheating on her. Going undercover into their community, Harry must untangle a web of lies and deception to find the truth. This will be his biggest challenge yet. Because Harry McGlade is an idiot.
Lead Harry through a series of comic misadventures and bad puns as he traverses the J.A. Konrath universe, popping into many familiar books and stories. Prepare to be shocked and amazed by scenes that are just plain wrong. It's over 60,000 words of Harry McGlade, which is probably way too much.
This Is A "Write Your Own Damn Story" Adventure
Banana Hammock is not a single, linear book, and should not be read sequentially, page by page. Instead, it is an interactive text adventure. This ebook is meant to be read out of order, depending on the path you, the reader, choose. Harry McGlade is a continuing character in the Jacqueline “Jack” Daniels series. At the end of each section, you decide where Harry goes, and what he does. By following different paths, you can arrive at many different endings. There are literally hundreds of variations.
You control the character! You control the fun!
Join Harry and a cast pulled from JA Konrath and Jack Kilborn stories, and push ebook technology to the boundaries of reading enjoyment, or something like that.
Warning: This ebook is filled with raunchy humor, and has something to offend everyone. If you believe there are taboo things that shouldn’t be laughed at or made fun of, don't buy it. Instead, pick up one of my other, less-offensive books. But if you like roasting sacred cows, read on. You’ll laugh.
JACK DANIELS STORIES by JA Konrath
Sixteen tales from the world of Jack Daniels.
Join Jack, her partner Herb Benedict, private eye Harry McGlade, and part-time criminal Phineas Troutt, in this omnibus of 16 stories, now including the novella Truck Stop. These were previously published in magazines and anthologies, and many are long out of print.
On the Rocks - Suicide or murder? Lt. Jack Daniels solves a locked room mystery.
Whelp Wanted - P.I. Harry McGlade becomes a dognapper in order to stop a dognapper, or something like that.
Street Music - Phineas Troutt hunts a prostitute through the dangerous streets of Chicago. Are his intentions pure?
The One That Got Away - The Gingerbread Man (the villain from WHISKEY SOUR) hunts one final victim.
With a Twist - It looked like the man fell from a great height, but the body is in his living room. Jack Daniels solves another impossible crime.
Epitaph - Phin Troutt takes on a Chicago street gang with vengeance on his mind.
Taken to the Cleaners - Harry McGlade tries to solve a difficult mystery, but mostly just goofs off.
Body Shots - Jack Daniels faces her most challenging case yet; a school shooting. But does she know more about the perp than she realizes?
Suffer - Phineas Troutt has taken some questionable jobs, but will he murder a man's wife?
School Daze - P.I. Harry McGlade investigates a private school, but he's not entirely sure why.
Overproof - While shopping on the Gold Coast, Jack Daniels notices traffic has come to a stand-still. When she realizes what the problem is, she's confronted with her own mortality, and the possible deaths of hundreds.
Bereavement - How badly does Phineas Troutt need a fix? What is he willing to do?
Pot Shot - Detective Herb Benedict just wants a home cooked meal. But his plans get interrupted by a very determined sniper.
Last Request - Phineas Troutt picks up a hitchhiker, with deadly results.
The Necro File - Harry McGlade investigates some bizarre murders in this hilarious, gore-filled mini-epic. (Author's note: This is easily the funniest thing I've ever written, but it's also very offensive. Let the reader beware...)
Truck Stop - Jack meets the twisted killers Taylor and Donaldson from Jack Kilborn's books.
That's over 75,000 words of Jack Daniels and friends.
HORROR STORIES by Jack Kilborn and JA Konrath
Twenty-six tales of terror...
This collection features a menagerie of horror stories. Some are scary. Some are disturbing. Some are funny. Meet werewolves, vampires, zombies, psychopaths, aliens, cannibals, ghosts, and various things that go bump in the night. Previously published in dozens of anthologies and magazines, some of these tales are mild, but some are extreme. Let the reader beware...
The stories include:
Finicky Eater - It's after a nuclear war, and a mother and her son are in a fallout shelter, the food long long...
The Screaming - Van Helsing and vampires, in 1960s England.
Mr. Pull Ups - A body modification tale taken to the extreme.
The Shed - Two burglars find the door to hell.
Them’s Good Eats - Rednecks vs. aliens, on a spaceship ride of horrors.
First Time - A coming of age tale where all may not be what it seems.
Forgiveness - A dying serial killer asks for a priest to hear his last confession.
Redux - Ghost story noir, about a private eye and a deadly haunting.
The Bag - What's in the bag? You really don't want to know...
Careful, He Bites - Lycanthrope flash fiction.
Symbios - A sci-fi novella about man's first encounter with alien life, and how things can quickly turn bad.
A Matter of Taste - Zombie flash fiction.
Embrace - A bit of gothic horror.
Trailer Sucks - Some trailer park jerks kidnap a vampire.
Markey - Flash fiction, from a twisted point of view.
Punishment Room - A horrific suspense tale about a not-so-distant future.
The Confession - Terrible crimes, told entirely in dialog.
Basketcase - Hardboiled noir with a horrific twist.
The Agreement - A gambler pays the ultimate price to get out of a debt.
Well Balanced Meal - The worst restaurant you've ever been in.
S.A. - A werewolf novella about a Shapshifters Anonymous group that must battle Santa Claus.
Dear Diary - A very twisted pom pon girl reveals the secret of her inner strength.
Mr. Spaceman - We've come to mate with earth women.
Appalachian Lullaby - What do you do with a radioactive monkey?
Plus two more. Over 70,000 words.
CRIME STORIES by JA Konrath
Included are a few hardboiled tales, some noir, some parody and satire, a few straight-out comedy pieces, and a few stories that didn't fit into Konrath's other two collections, Horror Stories and Jack Daniels Stories.
The twenty stories include:
The Big Guys - Flash fiction, winner of the Derringer Award.
A Fistful of Cozy - A satire of the mystery cozy genre.
Cleansing - An ancient crime of biblical proportions.
Lying Eyes - Solve it yourself, given the clues.
Perfect Plan - Another solve it yourself. Don't you remember One Minute Mysteries and Encyclopedia Brown?
Piece of Cake - Another solve it yourself, originally featured in Woman's World.
Animal Attraction - Solve it yourself.
Urgent Reply Needed - A cautionary tale about dealing with spammers.
Blaine’s Deal - A parody of hardboiled noir.
Light Drizzle - A light-hearted send-up of hitman stories.
An Archaeologist’s Story - How digging up old bones leads to fresh corpses.
Don’t Press That Button! - An essay about the gadgets in the James Bond universe, and which ones you need to buy.
Piranha Pool - A writer seeking criticism pays the ultimate price.
A Newbie’s Guide to Thrillerfest - Never been to a mystery conference? Here's the in-depth dirt.
Inspector Oxnard - He's either brilliant, or too stupid to breathe.
One Night Only - A sports fan ends up in jail, all for the love of the game.
Could Stephanie Plum Car Really Get Car Insurance? - An essay about Janet Evanovich's famous character.
Cozy or Hardboiled? - Take the test to find out which type of book you're reading.
Addiction - What's the worst drug you can get hung up on?
Weigh To Go - A humor column about health clubs.
Note: These stories are available in print as part of the collection Disturb and Others.
DUMB JOKES & VULGAR POEMS - J. Andrew Haknort Uncut and Uncensored
WARNING. THIS IS VULGAR AND OFFENSIVE AND SHOULDN'T BE READ BY ANYBODY.
Hey! Jerkface! Get your neck out of that noose!
The underground Internet sensation, J. Andrew Haknort, is finally available for your Kindle reader thingy, so you don't have to kill yourself!
What? Haven't heard of the Woobie Award winning poetry of Haknort?
He was voted the worst poet in history, by people who vote for things like that, probably when they should be working instead of screwing around with Internet polls. Your boss knows you slack off. He's got a little tracker bot on your computer, so he sees how often you check your Facebook page. He's also got a spy cam in the washroom.
Where were we? Oh yeah. The ebook.
This ebook collection of over one thousand short, terrible, offensive, vulgar, dirty, politically incorrect bad poems and awful jokes is just the thing to brighten up your miserable life.
Unless you're easily offended. Then you shouldn't buy this. Spend your money on something better for your soul. Like meth. Or bullets.
But... if you can handle extreme bad taste, and you're the type of person who has a bunch of goofy friends who like to get drunk and play "handtool dodgeball," then this may be the book you've been searching for your whole miserable life.
This ebook contains hundreds and hundreds of hilariously awful jokes and gut busting poems. Plus it's fat free. And it makes you more attractive. And it cures cancer.
It's funny. Not funny like your Aunt Zelda, who your parents put in a home because she thought the squirrels were plotting against her. This ebook is haha funny.
The fact is, there isn't a single thing you can do that will give you more enjoyment than this crappy little ebook poetry collection. Except maybe buy feeder mice. They get so freaked-out when you drop them in the aquarium with your pet snake, and they run around all scared, but where are you going to run, little Mr. Mouse? You're stuck in an aquarium! You can see through the walls of your glass prison but you can't escape!
Snakes are cool.
If you took all the snakes in the world, and laid them all end to end, it would probably take a lot of time.
Anyway, here are some examples of the over one thousand (did we mention there are over 1000?) gems included in this ebook:
WHY THE FLOOR IS WET
And I missed.
No one likes,
My cousin Jeff,
He’s a nice guy,
But has bad breff.
My Grandma wear a diaper,
I really hate to wipe her.
I LOST MY SQUIRREL
I lost my squirrel!
I lost my squirrel!
It just fell off now I’m a girl!
FORTY DAYS AND FORTY NIGHTS
Why is it raining?
I don’t Noah.
There is a giant hog,
Who lives in my garage,
But I never see him,
Because he uses hamoflage.
Prison gave me acne,
So I broke out.
I ate the parrot,
And didn’t share it.
Mary is on the pill,
But it plagues her with doubt,
Whenever she has sex,
The pill just falls right out.
Plus hundreds more bad poems, most of them too filthy to be printed here.
Besides the lousy poetry, this book contains hundreds of Haknort's thoughts and observations, some of them as seen on Twitter, including:
I wrote a book about menopause, but it is hard to understand because it doesn't have any periods.
When the old gypsy cursed me, I laughed in her face. I'm not laughing now, because when she saw me laugh she beat the crap out of me.
I was addicted to nicotine gum, chewing three packs a day. So in order to ween myself off, I started smoking.
Whenever I go fishing, I'm reminded of an old girlfriend. Her name was Annette. She also had a sister, named Smallmouth Bass.
I’ll never forget what my grandfather used to say. I would sit on his lap and he would yell, “Fatty buttocks! Fatty Buttocks!” at the top of his lungs. I guess I never really understood my grandfather. My parents didn’t, either. That’s probably why they put him away.
Yes, believe it or not, there really is a blue six foot chicken named Pepé living in my bedroom closet. Either that or it’s the drugs.
It’s much easier to differentiate between a cabbage and a lettuce if you give them names, like Shelly or Jockmo.
Instead of "Mothers Day" how about "Sexy Virgins Day?" It can be nine months earlier.
I never claimed to be a genius. Well, except on that billboard I rented.
I remember Mom’s signature dish. She called it Pork Surprise. It was just a big bowl of dirt with some clumps of weeds in it. When we asked where the pork was, she’d yell: “There’s no pork... surprise!”
And many, many, so many more. Boy, there are lots more. Lots. Too many, in fact. You can visit www.haknort.com to read them, or buy the Kindle collection for less than a dollar.